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So I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, a little too much. I'm at my dads right now but I plan on spending my night at moms typing up a big long post. Of course I've said that before and when I go to do it, I'm too embarrassed to really show my feelings. But I will tonight.

I always fucking want what I can't fucking have.

Fuck this Michael.
I love you.
I do.
Finallly.
I'm saying it.
I love you.
I need you.
But I don't deserve you.
So go off and live the fairy tale romance with Baylie that you deserve.
She didn't fuck up her life with some guy that didn't care about her.
She's fucking perfect.
And she's got boobs.
You love those.
She's unique,
she isn't like every other fucking girl in Georgia.
I care too much what people think.
Why the hell would you still like me?
I'm too fucked up.

Well I'm stuck in rewind, though I'm looking forward. Damn I wish I knew what went wrong.

I'm going to start posting more often so that when I do post, I won't have as much to say. But I do. I have a lot.

School is great. The first day sucked because of just everything, but it has definitely gotten better.
Theres this kid MM in my first period, and I've only talked to him like once, but he seems pretty cool, and he's reaaaaally attractive. Then in biology I have a ton of people I don't knoww, third with WC in front of me (SCOREEE.), fourth with sophomores, but they're pretty cool. RB was scary at first, but she's pretty cool. I met TG at lunch, shes cool. Fifth is fun. Then gym.. Theres this kid SR. I think he's wonderful, we've only talked a couple times but he is really... charming, as cheezy as that sounds.
Anyways.
Friday was a football game, nothing interesting happened.
Saturday night,my parents friends came over. They are TE's neighbros, they talked about what a good kid he is.. Awkward. Then late that night I passed out.. GAhhhhh. Then I stayed at MP's. TE, CB, CA, and RM came over at like midnight? I think me and TE are.. I don't even know. I hate him for the whole brown thrasher hting..
Yesterday we hung out with BS and IF.... I think I like BS. We were tesxting last ngiht, and he told me I deserved better than TE, and that I was preetty cute.. thennn...
BS: Could you see us together?
Me: Possiblyyy
BS: Cooool, your turn.
ME: Since you know about me, how far have you gone with a girll?
BS: I've gotten a bj, and fingered a girl
Me: OHhh haha.
BS: Haha yepp, umm would you ever do anything with me?
Me: Yeahh. Haha. It kinda depends on the situation, but I'm pretty sure I would.
BS: Awesooome, I totally wanted to kiss you today.
Me: Haha I totally would ahve kissed you abck! Especially when we were under that bridge thing.
BS: Haha ohh I know that wouldd have been perfect, haha your turn
Me: HOw many girls have you fingered?
BS: two.
Me:  OHhh haa
BS: Yeah haha, if we were to hang next time and we were alone, would you wanna do anything?
Me: If you wanted to, then yeahh.
BS: Cooool:) your turn.
Me: HOw many bjs have you gottennn?
BS: Haha idkk like three, same person wanna make it four? hahah jk
Me: Hahah funny(:
BS: :) How many bjs have you given?
Me: Three, same personnn haha.
BS: Haha ohh alright. Your turnn
Me: I don't knoww I'm running out of questionnss haha.
BS: Hah yeahh me too.

I wouldn't ever date him, and that fact keeps coming up in my head.
I don't know waht to do I'm so stuck I hate this I hate this I hate this.

I haven't posted much and I lot has changed.

School in five days, and I'm terrified.
RM lied and told me he got and trouble and our date (we had planning it for a month) was off. The next day he lied and said he had a girlfriend. I bawled. Now he says they aren't dating yet, but I'm done with his shit. Or I'm trying to be done.

I cried so hard last night, I had to make myself stop because I was about to throw up. I've neverrr cried that hard.

I hate who I am, I'm never meant it more than I do now.