I should have known you weren't any different

Monday
Me (5:52): Okay so I might just be paranoid and I'm probably about to make a complete fool out of myself, but it seems like it got weird after Friday, maybe its just me. I don't know, it just seems like you've lost interest?
BS: Noo babe, I just, I don't know what I want.
Me: Well I know I don't want to be friends with benefits, because it was definitely a mistake with TE and I"m not doing that again..
BS: I knoww, in a way I wanna go out but I'm not sure
Me: Well I'm impatient and I am getting kinda tired of waiting, sooo you can just let me know when you figure it out.
BS: Alright babe, well you wanna date me right?
Me: Well obviously, but don't just do it because you can.
BS: I know I know.
BS (7:48): Hey babe
BS (8:06): Meatballs <3
Me (8:58): Go eat your meatballs. (:
BS: Pssh them meatballs are gone now ahaha
Me: Ahaha, nicee.
BS: Haha yeah wrud
BS: Why are yoou not texting me back this evening
Me: I dunnoo
Me: Blahh broderickkk
BS: waaat
BS: Kirstennnnn
BS (10:30): Hey!
Tuesday
Me: Haha, sooo.
BS: Sooooooo I really can't make up my mind
Me: Well I don't think you should do anything you aren't sure of, so should we just drop it ?
BS: I guess, but I am still thinking
Me: I don't exactly wanna wait
Me: Sorry.
BS: Its fine
Me (6:10): Broderick
BS (8:03): Kirsten

what a night

I like to think that I'm getting better,
but I think I'm just getting worse.

There was a football game last night.
BS told me to come over. So I left at half time and went to his house. His little brother was asleep and his parents were gone. I got there, he came outside and hugged me, and then we went up to his room. He turned his TV on, kissed me a little, and then we went to his bed. He turned off the lights because I wanted to "see the stars on his ceiling" and we ended up making out more. We snuggled a little bit. Then he put his hand on my stomach and asked me if his hands were cold. I laughed and said yes, and he slowly slid his hand down my pants, and fingered me. He's the best one yet. We made out some more, and then snuggled some more. I could tell he wanted a blow job, so I said I was sorry. He was like "Now what?" And I was just silent, awkwardly. Then he put his hand back and said "How about this again?" That was fine with me. Afterwards, he told me how horny he was. I felt really bad. We talked about it after I left, and I explained why I didn't blow him. I just couldn't.
And ever since, he's been acting weird.
I don't know what I did, but I think he lost interest.
CD likes me.
And I think LH does too.
I just want to cry right now.

well.

My attempt at being more independent has completely failed.
I cannot do this anymore.
I'm stuck in this forest of stupidity and weakness.
I can't find the way out.

I'm losing myself

I had to prove to myself that I am capable of controlling myself.

Why didn't I just stay at the game?

I'm losing my sanity