Life.

Life is about taking chances.
Life is about trying new things.
Life is about falling in and out of love.
Life is about having fun.
Life is about appreciating memories.
Life is about finding happiness.
Life is about learning from mistakes.
Life is about growing as a person.
Life is about finding yourself.

Life is such a fragile thing.
My life completely flipped around within just a few months, and it has gone downhill ever since.
I sent a message to a friend a while ago, saying this:

"Hey. I know this is incredibly random, but I don't want to act like someone I'm not anymore, and I'm sick of lying, and I think its time to just take responsibility for my actions/mistakes. I wanted to tell you that all those rumors (most anyway) aren't exactly "rumors". I'm very ashamed of myself. It was trashy, inappropriate, and it changed me in ways I'll never be able to change back. I'm embarrassed of myself, I feel like the "me" six months ago would never even consider doing things like that. I used to be very opinionated about this kind of stuff- I thought it was trashy and I wanted nothing to do with anybody that did things like that. I'm not sure what happened or why I did it in the first place. But I know I did it for all the wrong reasons.For example, I loved the thrill of it, to be honest. I loved knowing that I was actually getting away with something like that. I loved knowing that people would never find out (boy was I wrong). And even though I hate to say it, I loved feeling wanted. But I think every girl loves that feeling. I just let it get the worst of me. Nothing good has come out of this. I'm beginning to feel like some of my friends are only still my friends because I lied and made them thing I was the innocent girl that I will never be anymore. I hate that nobody can look at me the same anymore. I don't blame them, I am completely different now then I was before. I used to have way more confidence in myself. I lost all of that confidence. I used to have all of the self respect in the world. Thats gone too. And stuff like confidence and self respect doesn't just get there easily. It takes a lot for somebody to get that way. And sure, I will eventually gain my confidence and self respect back, but never the way I had it before. I'm telling you all of this because you are my friend, you have been for three years. We've been through it all, and I hope this doesn't changeanything. I know you'll look at me differently, everybody has told me that. But I promise that wayy deep on the inside, I'm still the same person. I regret everything, I don't plan on doing it again (He knows that. The farthest we've gone is making out. I'm keeping it that way.). I love you, and I trust that you won't share any of this with anyone (I don't just pour myself out like this to just any one). And if anybody asks you if its true or not, just tell them to talk to me about it. Because I'm sooo past denying it and pretending I don't make mistakes. Yes its going to be hard but I'll get past that too. One of the biggest problems is me and Jesus. I have absolutely no relationship with him anymore. And unfortunately I can't go to PHAT camp, but I really need it. I hate how this has pretty much scarred me for life, I am forever changed. I've learned alot though about who I can trust and who my real friends are. I hope this doesn't change anything. I hate that I lied to you and everybody else about it, and even ended up fighting with ya'll, knowing that it was all just a big lie. At first, back when all that drama happened, I didn't regret it. I didn't realize how stupid it was, and I definitely wasn't ready to admit to it. But yeah. That was then. Sorry if it seems like I'm just throwing all of this at you, I just feel like I owe it to you."


I'm searching for a way to repair myself. The only way I've come up with is Jesus. I need Him. I need God in my life. I just don't know where to begin.

Eighth grade changed me so much.

I hate that.

I wish I knew then what I know now.

Just because two lips join doesn't mean two hearts meet.

One day,

I'm gonna do this.

What I think..

You know whats weird?

As wise humans, we only trust a few with our life.
I only have two people that I trust with my life.

Yet, we trust so many people with our hearts.
Our fragile hearts.

I want a lover.

Atelphobia

The fear of not being good enough.

Worst. Feeling. Ever.

I'm not good enough.
I never have been, and I never will be.

I'm Broken.

Where did all my strength go? My confidence?

I've got nothing anymore,

but divorcing parents

and a torn heart.

I'm not good enough.

I'm weak, I'm easy.

I have no spine, no back bone.

I miss the 2010 Kirsten.

The one who went to Jesus for help.
The one who never let words bring her down.
The one who kept her friends close by.
The one who knew she was beautiful.
The one who wore t-shirts every day.
The one who knew right from wrong.
The one who didn't care what anyone thought.

I hate this. I hate it. I hate knowing that I wasn't good enough for him.
And I'm not saying that because I'm one of those depressed girls,
he said it himself.
"I can do much better than her."
The words make me just want to collapse.
But I'm already broken.

I want.

A belly button ring.
Bad.

Beautiful.

Biggest goal right now: Live care free.

Yeah, after I finish the last four Harry Potter books by July 15 AND finish ALL my summer school work by August 8.

Never share your weaknesses with anyone, because once they know them, thats when they take advantage of you.

<3

I really love Florida, everything about it.

Yeaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh.

So I've got some goals.

1. Get skinny.
2. Eat healthy.
3. Get tan.
4. Keep my room cleaner.
5. Screw relationships, just flirt and have fun.

Yayyuhhhh.

Boy you got my heartbeat running away...

I always want what I can't have.

RM and MM.
Yeah.
I think BMS still likes MM. So it kind of sucks.
And of course, LO has RM wrapped around her fingers...
My phone broke so I haven't even talked to RM since Thursday.
Anyways.

Florida was amazing.
I'm obsessed. Its beautiful.

I mean, I've been there before, but this time, I really appreciated it.

Daytona is great. All the little shops. So cute.

I thought I had a lot to say, but I don't know.

My feelings are everywhere.

I've been thinking about the whole religion thing. I don't know where I stand with Jesus. I'm scared to rededicate myself because of what I'll have to realize.

So me and RM are going to be fbw's. I don't know why I agreed, but I did.
I think because now, I won't have to lose him to LO.
:(

This is so much on one person.
I can't stand it.
I have no one to talk to about it.

I had a horrible dream last night, that my mom found out.
I'm terrified of that happening.
I've got to stop this.

I believe in the sand beneath my toes...

     

I <3 Summer.

A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left.

I'm going to live by that from now on.
I need to learn to be a bit more wise, then maybe I won't have to suffer anymore.



I have a lot to say, but I'm tired and its late. Tomorrow though, I'll type up a big long exciting blog. <3

screw this

Screw new blog?
Yeah, I think so.
Me and RM are done. I don't care. Over itttt.
Florida tomorrow. Woot.

You can turn off the sun, but I'm still gonna shineee.

I think I'm going to make a new blog, this one is a constant reminder of my lost confidence and my terrible mistakes. I want my confidence and my self respect back.
New blog. <3
http://www.smileforallthehaters.blogspot.com/

My first plan was to not mention anything negative or anything that has been bothering me on the new blog. It was just going to be about the happy things. But I realized that part of accepting the fact that I made mistakes is accepting the negative consequences, and part of becoming a better person is realizing that my life will never be perfect, theres always going to be something bothering me.

So the purpose of my new blog is to have a fresh start, a clean plate. <3