We're just having fun, we don't care who sees.

So, about half those letters I wrote last time don't even make sense any more. I should rewrite them.

Dear Guy Best Friend,
I think you really are my best friend. You know everything about The Secret, and you are the only one who didn't judge me (other than those we were involved in it, of course). You are truly one of the most inspiring people I know. You are always thinking of other people, and you always know the right things to say. I'm so glad I have you. I've done some pretty hurtful things in the past, but I'm so happy we could get past that and move on. We are so close now, and I hope that never changes.
I'm really sorry about what happened with the girlfriend. Even though last Monday, I was wishing for this. I hate seeing you so broken. I hope I never made you this way. iloveyou. <3

Dear "The Secret" Guy,
Sorry for blowing up on you yesterday.
Its just that this whole thing has really gotten to me. It sucks.
We've been friends for so long, I hope that my bitch fit didn't change anything.
I'm sorry, I really am.
And also, people are finding out. I swear I didn't tell. :/ Please, please oh please don't hate me.

Dear Old Best Guy Friend,
Wow.
So I'm started to think we BOTH changed. You were such a jerk today, and yesterday. What is going on? I mean I understand that MAYBE you weren't as over me as I thought you were, and I hate myself for that. But you put me through hell, too, for a year, if I must remind you again. I just wish me and you could go back to how we used to be. When we would sit on Skype for hours at a time, and you'd listen to me complain about my problems, and you'd tease me for making funny faces. I miss that. I miss crushing on you. It was such an innocent love. I'll never ever ever get that again...

Dear Boyfriend,
You're great. Thanks for not judging.


Thats all.





I knew it would come, I knew people would eventually start calling me names, like 'whore'. But I didn't think I'd care. But I do. A whole hell of a lot more than I thought I would.

I Be Wild'n 'Cause I'm Young.

There's so many different things I wish I could say, to so many different people...

Dear Guy Best Friend,
I miss us. I miss it being just me and you. I miss not having to worry about your girlfriend.
You are the most amazing guy I've ever met. It took me a while to get over you, I guess I finally moved on because of The Secret. Wow, its crazy that The Secret kind of seems like a solution to everything, and a problem for everything else... Anyways, I love you like a brother. You are truly one of my best friends. I love that I can tell you anything and I know you won't judge me. <3

Dear "The Secret" Guy,
You know my biggest secret. Fuck, you ARE my biggest secret. I trust you with my LIFE. I just hate how you and The Secret have become everything to me, but its no big deal at all to you. You know everything, except that I'm planning to have a boyfriend soon... I hope The Secret can keep going, though. But I know that it will make me the biggest whore ever. Its just so hard to stop. I hate how you can just toss it to the side and forget about it. How do you have the power to just end it? After all thats happened? I don't understand, but I wish I was that strong.
I love you like a best friend, haha.. human glue stick/flarp.

Dear Old Best Guy Friend,
I miss how we used to be. I know you didn't change, I did. And its really hard to think about that. I wish I hadn't changed, because I'm not sure if it was for the better or for the worse. I wish you would have told me how you felt about me a long time ago, and we'd probably still be going out, and The Secret wouldn't have happened, and I would be a totally different person. Not that I can blame you. I take full responsibility for my actions. A part of me wishes you knew about The Secret. You know we kissed, which is hardly anything at all. But if you knew the whole thing, I feel like we might be closer. After a couple lectures, of course.. Although you'd never like me after The Secret. Ugh.

Dear Guy-I-Have-a-"Thing"-With,
You are so confusing, I wish you'd just be straight up with me. I hope you are being completely honest about liking me, I hope you aren't just doing this so you can "get some". I guess I regret telling you about The Secret. Ha, you don't even know the worst part. At least if we go out, nobody can say I'm putting on a "Fake Face" for you... Whatever.
Can't wait for Friday. As long as you ask me out before the party.... :/

Dear Parents,
Marriage counseling? Are you fucking kidding me?

Dear Best Friend,
I'm so freaking glad I have you. <3 I've never gone through so much with someone before.


I've become addicted to being rebellious. Not being a whore, or a ho, or a slut, or whatever anyone else says. I'm addicting to the thrill. I'm addicted to the excitement. I'm addicted to that rush you get when you realize how easily you could get caught. I'm addicted to it. I can't stop.

And this just HAPPENS to be my form of rebellion

Ahh, I love being young and careless and free. <3



What did you do today?
I woke up at six and cried for half an hour. I am terrified of people finding out about the secret. I don't know what I'd do. Sure, I would deny it, but would they believe me?
I went to school, came home, the usual. Held my neice for a while. She is such a joy, brightens every day.
The guy I have a thing with has turned out to be a huge player. I'm not sure about him anymore, but we'll just have to see I guess...
My parents have marriage counseling today. Cool, bruh.
How do you feel?
Fine-just-fine.
Any other comments?
Nope.

"Who said nights were for sleep?"

"This life is what you make it. Not matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, somg go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And babve, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up becuase if you give up, you'll never find your soul mate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about." -Marilyn Monroe.

Today, I have concluded that I am unsure of everything. Part of me thinks I need to start making more wise decisions. Another part of me thinks I should just keep having fun and being young, because I know that being young won't last forever. The rest of me thinks I should just fuck it, stop planning ahead, and just live in the moment and see what happens.

Whichever I choose, all of me knows that I need to stop letting my life revolve around The Secret.

Ahh, The Secret. It keeps growing, growing, growing... I can't control it although I know I have full advantage. None of it makes sense. It seems like a fantasy; its so hard to believe that this is actually happening. Its hard to get a grip on. A year ago, I wasn't even dreaming of this. I never thought I'd do it.

Its constantly on my mind.

I'm going to challenge myself to post everday, or close to everyday, for a year. I'll answer the same three questions every day:

What did you do today?
How do you feel?

Any other comments, notes, etc?

After a year, I'll look back and read them. It should be interesting...

Day One.

What did you do today?

Woke up from a friend's, went to church and lunch with her and her mom, then spent some time shopping with Mom. Got athletic shorts and a romper for summer. I'm home now, incredibly tired, gonna be celebrating my brother's birthday in a little while.

How do you feel?

Confused. I'm not sure what to do about anything any more.

Any other comments, notes, etc?

Friday night, I spent the night at my best friend's. The Secret grew, a lot. And her mom was right down stairs, asleep... As exciting and thrilling as it was, it was pretty irresponsible and stupid, we could have easily gotten caught. I don't regret it though. Anyways, it lasted until about 3 AM. Saturday we woke up and nothing exciting happened, just us hanging out. We did have a really deep talk about The Secret though. I've never had such a deep talk with anybody before. We've become really close... Then I went to an old friend's house. We caught up a lot. I told her about The Secret, turns out she has a Secret of her own... I'm so relieved, and I'm glad I told her. One more person that understands. She also told me that she had gotten drunk with a friend. She showed me a video of it, I'm curious to try...

Time changes EVERYTHING.

I feel so stuck sometimes.
I always told myself to never give up,
and I didn't. For a long time.
But I guess when I realized that it had been over a year, I decided it wasn't worth it.
Thats when I finally just let myself cry.
It was the first and only time I ever cried over you.
Before then, I couldn't cry over you.
How could you cry over someone who constantly made you so happy?
Who constantly led you to do the right thing?
Who constantly had your back?
But I guess all the wait finally got to me-- I cried for hours straight.

And now I have every reason to be jumping for joy.
I dreamed of this day.
The day you'd finally tell me you liked me.
I never thought it'd be like this.
I never thought I would have moved on.
And if I had, I thought I'd be able to let go and go back to you,
because its what I wanted for so long.

But now, I've found a new adventure.
I'm enjoying myself, being a rebel.
It scares me to think about what would happen if I did go back to you.
I know the truth- I'm just too scared to admit it to myself.

I would cheat on you.

I don't know who I am anymore.

Wow.

Everything that happened that other night was wrong.

Everything that happened that recent night was wrong.

If people knew, we'd be dead.

They already suspect something.

I don't know.

I can't decide if I regret it or not.

There are some things I would have done differently, yes,

But I wouldn't take back any of it.

Wow...

I'm shocked.

That I did all those things,

So many new things...

None of them good.

Wow.

I wonder how everyone else feels.

I mean, it was all six of us.

We all did it.

Dear Special Friend,

I wish I could talk to you.

I wanna know if you're scared, too, that people might find out.

Ugh.