scarred

Eighth grade will stay with me forever.
I tried things with Matt a few weeks ago.
I had a mental breakdown.

I started shaking and within 15 seconds I was bawling.
He was understanding though. It was so hard to explain to him why I felt the way I did. But I cried for about 45 minutes.
Will I always be this way?

love

I think there's a big difference between loving someone and being in love with someone.

It's clear to me the difference between the two.
When you love someone, they mean a lot to you. You care about them so much that you need them. They are a source of joy. Losing them would be so painful.

I don't think I've ever been in love, but I know a bit of what it's like from what I've heard. You'd do anything to be with them. When you're with them, its like you're flying but your feet are still on the ground.

I'm not in love with him.
I think I'm living a lie, and I can't do it any more.

mtm

My cruise was a ton of fun.
Me and Jamal were kind of secretly dating all of spring break, although I was gone for most of it..
I don't count it though, it never felt too real.
Anyways he left me again for Megan.

This kid Matt apparently used to be married to me in his fantasy world, and last sunday he tweet messaged me and told me I always looked really sad, and that I was unbelievably pretty and deserved to be happy. Basically, he asked me to be his girlfriend friday night at the soccer game. We went to see the lucky one last night. I really like him.

OHHH

Tomorrow night I'm going to see the hunger games premiere, and Baylie's coming this weekend. :)))))))))))))))

I'm happy.

I've been unbelievably happier since I talked to Tanner. I'm so glad I did it.
Of course, I also haven't been able to stop thinking about him.
And how we could be that couple. The couple that shocks everybody, but they all knew we'd end up together some day.
If you asked me who I could see myself with years from now, he's the only one.
Why do I feel like this? We don't even talk. Is it safe to even say we're friends?
I don't know.
I do know I want to talk to him. Every day. For the rest of my life.

Why?

Why have I been thinking about him all day?
Why have I been expecting a text from him?
Why have I been thinking that just because he forgave me and we are on good terms, that we will be the best of friends again?
Maybe some things are better left alone.
I talked to him for the closure, not to spark things back up again.
I need knock some sense into myself.
I'm letting myself back into those doors I've entered many times before.
I know better.
Why is is so hard to walk away, for good?

I wrote this August 20th...

Sometimes I wonder if its even real. Does he even care?

I don't think the scars are gonna go away.

I wish I could see you, I swear my life would be so much easier if I could be with you.

What does it take to have someone carea bout me as much as I care about them?

I just wanna know how you feel, because its not apparent to me.

It confuses me how the person you used to be in love with, can now be the person you hate with a passion.

I want you to know, I can't get you out of my head.

I love you though, thats the hardest thing ever.

I know why I started acting like I am. What I don't know though, is when I'm gonna get over it... so excuse me for the moment.

I just think in the end, you'd actually be better off without me.

I've made mistakes, an dI've lost some amazing people, but I refuse to be sad because someone is no longer in my life. No need to be.

ALsooooooooooo

Also, early release was Thursday.
I smoked with Tyler, Meghan, and Aubree for the first time.
It was nice.
We went fishing too, and I caught a fish. :)

Wowza

So Jamal and Megan are dating.
He liked me the day before he asked her out.
It was painful, but I think I've moved on.

Tate and I have been crazy lately. Not really getting along.

Thursday was early release. Me, Cici, Claire, and Omar were sitting outside this new yogurt place and I just had a feeling we'd see somebody we knew. Sure enough, Cameron, Morgan, Ridge, and Tanner walk over. I'd seen Tanner multiple times before this, and we had tiny little conversations, but I hadn't seen him with his friends, the ones who hated me and always talked about how ugly I was and just tormented me. I panicked, and I turned around and couldn't look at any of them.
And then last night and just a lot lately I've been thinking about him.
I feel like we are our own love story.
I remember sixth grade, I had the biggest crush on him, from afar. We kinda knew each other, and we kinda talked every once in a while, but he didn't ever give me the time of day.
Seventh grade we became pretty good friends. I still thought he was the most attractive thing in the world. We flirted like crazy, and we'd have a thing on and off. Once, we were sitting in the hallway, supposed to be doing a project, and we were partners. He kept sliding his hand up and down my leg, and I'd smack his hand playfully. He'd get close to my privates, but never touch them. He said, "Nope, I'm saving that for next year," jokingly. Then we went to the aquarium and he wanted to sneak to the hallway and make out with me.
We didn't talk a lot in the summer before seventh and eighth, until one day he just randomly texted me. Then we texted every night and ended up being really good friends.
Eighth grade was no different. We were good friends. For a while we didn't really text but we'd talk in school a lot, and flirt. And when he was dating Abby, her and Kelly hated me because I "flirted" with him so much. And then all the stuff happened and we weren't friends.
I texted Baylie last night and told her how I felt. She told me maybe it was just lust, but I should try to talk to him because she felt the same way with Jake, and now they are closer than ever.
So i messaged Tanner on facebook.
Me: Hey this is really random but I just wanted to say sorry for everything that happened last year. I was a bitch half the time for no reason and a whore and I'm embarrassed of myself and yeah, I just feel like I needed to say sorry, haha.
Tanner: haha dont feel bad. i mean it was just a moment kinda thing. your notta whore. theres no need to be sorry. if anything i need to say it for encouraging you to
Me: haha you didn't do anything. I mean I wanted to do it anyways. do you still talk to colin?
Tanner: ya i do. why?
Me: I was just wonderingg. does he still hate my guts haha
Tanner: i have no idea haha.
Me: ohh haha
Tanner: yaaa. so we all good. dont worry about it
Me: Okay good. thank youu. that makes me happy haha
Tanner: yaa. i felt like you hated me this year haha
Me: noo it was just kind of awkward because i thought you hated me. i mean i guess there was a point where i hated you, but then I just wanted to be friends again but i didnt know what to do
Tanner: oohh gotcha
Me: Yeahhh

And that was it. I don't know if we're gonna be friends and again and talk more, but I know that things aren't bad and they don't have to be awkward any more.
Me and Jamal are okay, too. I think. I text him the other day.
Me: Hey, I'm sorry for getting all mad at you. I know it'd be weird trying to be friends but I don't want you to hate me either?
Jamal: I don't hate you.
Me: Okay.
Jamal: Yeahh

That doesn't seem like much but I'm glad I did it.

I also started talking to Michael again last night. He doesn't smoke or drink anymore, he's got a girlfriend that he really likes. He's changed a lot. We told each other why we randomly stopped talking to each other- he liked me a lot and realized he wasn't gonna get anywhere chasing someone he didn't have a chance with. I told him I could tell he had feelings for me and I didn't want to hurt him again. We needed that closure. I got a lot of closure last night.

So everything is good now.
I am so happy.

I've got issues

Yesterday was my dad's birthday.
Valentine's day is Tuesday.
I told Jamal to be my valentine.
I really do like him, I think.
But I don't want a boyfriend, so even if he liked me back, I'm wasting my time.

I was thinking last night and I realized that I'm scared of any kind of commitment. I don't want to get close to anybody that I'm not already close to. I lost Tanner. I lost RJ. I lost Morgan. People I thought I'd always be friends with. Every girl I hung out with in middle school. Lost them too.
I was supposed to hang out with Lindsay last Saturday. She ditched me. Then I remembered why I can't stand girls.
Broderick's gone. Lost him too.

I don't handle change well.

I'm going to the beach next weekend with Cici. I'm hoping to get my mind off things.

Homework < Blogging

So Jamal came to my house one night and kissed me. Things were going great, and then I went to church came. I rededicated myself and tried to break things off with him. I met this kid from Evans, and he is perfect. But we haven't even talked since camp. And now I miss Jamal. We argued yesterday. I told him to call me or text me when he knows what he wants. Hell I don't even know what I want.