swim with the current and float away

Me: You know what I hate? I don't care what people call me- they can call me a slut or a whore or whatever and it doesn't bother me. Yeah,i t makes me watnt to slap them but it doesn't really affect me on the inside. But when somebody calls me trashy, thats like my breaking point. I never want to be called trashy. If someone told me that I was trashy, and they meant it, I'd be so speechless and I'd probably just cry. But I'm sitting here thinking that if anybody DID call me trashy- I wouldn't have any way to defend myself other than "We all make mistakes". Because that is exactly what I've become. Trashy. I completely threw myself out at a guy. I hate that within two months, I did all that. Thats just trashy. And now look. I hate that. And I'm glad that I haven't lost as many friends as I deserve to have lost- but really, a lot of these people are only still my "friend" because I LIED and convinced them that all that crap was just rumors. And I can keep telling myself that everything is okay now, but its not. Everything is only "okay" because I lied instead of admitting to my mistakes. I think its because I'm just starting to admit my mistakes to myself. You know, all those girls aren't friends with LO anymore because they think shes turned into a whore. she hasn't even done anything. And in my head, I call LO trashy because shes constantly cussing and she'll do whatever it takes to please others and make them like ehre. And then I realize I have no room to talk because I cuss a lot now too (which I used to think was the trashiest of all trashy things) and when I first did stuff with TE, I did it to get that stupid feeling of acceptance. I am officially "trashy".
MM: You are not trashy. Cussing doesn't make you trashy and neither does the stuff you did. It was a mistakes, don't let a bunch of judgemental cunts make you feel bad.
Me: Cunts. (:
MM: Theres that smile. (:

GB: Everything okay?
Me: Well. I'm eating ice cream and staring at the wall, texting like six different people so I can keep my mind busy and not break down into tears. If you want to count that as "okay", then sure.
GB: Baby, whats wrong?
Me: I was sitting here thinking, and I realized that I don't care if anybody calls me a slut or a whore or whatever (I mean I care but I can convince myself that its not true) but the one thing that bothers me is that I have become trashy. If someone called me trashy (which is the last thing I ever want to be called) I wouldn't be able to defend myself other than "we all make mistakes". I just hate this whole thing.
GB: You aren't trashy and I would neever thing of you like that.. You can defend yourself with the fact that no one should even be talking about your life. Its gossip, its mean, its rude, its hypocritical, and most of it is wholely untrue. Don't let people get you down. You're beautiful and awesome and yeah, you may have made mistakes but you're a good enough person to move on. If they have any ounce of maturity the will deal with themselves and do the same.





I miss that confidence I used to have.

E.T.

Kiss me, ki-ki-kiss me
Infect me with your love and
Fill me with your poison

Take me, ta-ta-take me
Wanna be a victim
Ready for abduction
Boy, you're an alien
Your touch so foreign
It's supernatural
Extraterrestrial

Your so supersonic
Wanna feel your powers
Stun me with your lasers
Your kiss is cosmic
Every move is magic

I Just Wanna Run.

"I JUST WANNA RUN.
HIDE IT AWAY.
RUN BECAUSE THEY'RE CHASING ME DOWN.
I JUST WANNA RUN.
THROW IT AWAY.
RUN BEFORE THEY'RE FINDING ME OUT.
I JUST WANNA RUN."

Ahh yes.

"Theres a story behind every person. There's a reason they're the way they are. They aren't just like that because they want to be. Something in their past created them, and sometimes its impossible to fix them."



"I think I'm afraid to be happy. Because every time I get happy, something bad happens."

"I only get jealous because I love you and I don't want any one else to have you."

"We're never going to be as young as we are tonight."

I can't stop missing you.

I haven't seen him since Monday. Blah.



I hung out with BKS and LS Wednesday night. LS asked how far me and RM had gone..? Awkwarddd. I said makeout.

Spent the night with BS last night.

MP and OF got drunk and smoked weed the other night.
Ha, me and MP were supposed to get drunk together. Fuck that, she's not coming to statesboro with me.

I am addicted to Glee. Iloveitt.

JR is moving back to Georgia!

I just love summer.

21 days, 12 hours, 49 minutes, and 50 seconds until I'm on my way to Disney. <3

Hollerrrrr!

...if you're ready for some summer nights!

Goodnesssss, I love summer!

First REAL blog of summer! Wooootttt!

So lots of crap happened on the last day of school when we were going to McDonald's. LO claims she dipped, and asked for a "pinch" of RM's. Yeah, it pisses me off, but whatever. I hate how she thinks shes such a badass though, and she's really not.

Anyways, I spent the night at JB's after McDonald's. We found out at about midnight that SG had gotten drunk and for whatever reason, he had to go get his stomach pumped. It was pretty sad.

Friday, we went swimming at the Riverwood pool, then got ice cream from the ice cream truck, and then I went home later. I hung out with MP a little bit, then came home.

Saturday, I went to BKS's house and swam with her and some 7th graders (now), and then went to AG's with my sister. Did nothing that night.

Sunday was boringg. Did nothing.

Monday was fun, I woke up and went shopping. Went to the mall and to Kohls. I got shorts and a cute tube top from Hollister, and shorts and a dress from Kohl's. I'm excited to wear them when we go on vacation. <3 Ahhh. Disney World! Anyways, afterwards, I went to RM's house. He taught me how to play Black Ops, which I was terrible at, and then we went to his treehouse... :) Then we went to a baseball game, which was fun I guess, then I came home, hung out with MP and OF for a little bit, and then went to sleep.

Tuesday was alrighhht. I pretty much just sat around all day. BS was going to spend the night, but couldn't.

Church tonight. I think LS wants to hang out today, but I don't know yett. I guess we'll seee.

I've been having to take care of Molly. She is sooo annoying at night, I can't sleep. Only two more nights. Gahh. :/

I skyped TM Monday night. We were talking about how we won't be able to hang out without RM, and it was kind of depressing. I don't knoww.

Summer's been good. <3

Oh, you had it, but oh, no, you lost it...

"Bad decisions make good stories."


I have a ton to talk about. I'm having mixed emotions. I don't know if I'm happy or sad or what. Just confused, overwhelmed.. I
Anyways, yesterday was the last day of school. It was amazing and terrible all at once.
Wait, rewind.
Todays friday, yesterday was Thursday.
Wednesday, we ate lunch in the classroom as we watched the Diary of Anne Frank. TM found a note in my purse from MP about some stuff that he wasn't supposed to know. I didn't want him to read it because TE was right there, and then he'd know that I told TM. It would have been a disaster. So me and TM started arguing because he wouldn't give it back. I finally just sat there quietly, but then TM and OM and JN started throwing bread crumbs at me and telling me to go sit with the girls, so I did.
Then they started throwing Gripz at me, and even ketchup packets. Made me feel like total shit. I was trying not to cry, honestly. The people that were once my friends were now throwing food at me and making me look like a fool.
I told TM that he goes into dick mode when he gets around people, and no matter how many deep conversations we have, my efforts to be friends with him always fail because of his douche bag-ness.

Me, CW, RM, CN, LO, and a bunch of other people walked to McDonald's after school yetserday. RM tried to kiss me on the bridge, but I wouldn't. I wish I would have. I don't know when the next time I'll see him is.
I have a lot more to say, but I'm getting tired.
I'm having a good summer so far, although today was only the first day. Its been eventful, just great. <3

Another oldie.

This was from March 28. Never posted it, I was scared then.









Its those two extra words.
They are terrifying to me.
I try not to think about what others would think if they knew.
Especially since its with him.
They'd be mad.
They'd call me a whore.


I wish I hadn't gotten myself into such a mess.


The hardest part is that I'm the last person they'd expect. I don't wear makeup. I don't put slutty pictures all over facebook. I don't gossip. I don't throw myself all over guys. I'm just "sweet innocent little Nicole".

I'm scared,  and nobody understands.

Hellyyycopterrrr.

I found an old draft from April 19. I started a pretty good post:

"I should have known this wouldn't have ended well.

My dad bought an RC helicopter. I'm not sure why, but I'm glad he did. Its teaching me a lot about myself.

I have a lot in common with the RC helicopter. One"

I remember where I was going with it, so I think I'll continue, and finish it.

I have a lot in commob with the RC helicopter.

First, my dad loved the helicopter. He always wanted to play with it.
First, TE and I were great friends. We were always talking and goofing around.

Then, Dad got more comfortable around the helicopter. So he tried to get the helicopter to go higher, and turn faster, etc.
Then, TE realized how "easy" I was. He pushed me to go further and further.

The helicopter did as it was told. Because it wanted to. It was very risky and dangerous, but the thrill was worth it. It was fun.
I also did as I was asked. Because I wanted to. It was stupid, but the excitement was worth it. It was fun.

Dad was enjoying himself. He kept pushing the helicopter to do more, and more, and more. The helicopter realized just how fun flying high was, so it did. It was even more cooperative then ever. It went even higher then Dad wanted.
TE was enjoying himself. He kept pushing me to do more, and more, and more. I realized how fun it really was, so I didn't object. In fact, I offered. I did more than he asked for.

Dad realized that the helicopter was out of his own control, and not fun anymore. It was too easy.
TE realized the same about me.

The helicopter still wanted to have fun though, but it had changed. It had become weak, and stupid, and didn't have any sense of left and right.
I still wanted to have fun though, but I had changed. I had become weak, and stupid, and didn't have any sense of wrong and right.

Dad gave up, and the helicopter is only used every now and then, and only for a short amount of time.
TE gave up, and now we barely talk. Only now and then, and only for a short amount of time.


I try to hard to please people.
That was April 19, when I thought all that up.
Its easier to write now though. I don't know why I never finished it.

I really f*cked it up this time, didn't I, my dear?

Me: We never talk.

CC: Forreal.):

Me: I hate this. Like, I understand I've changed (and I hate that too), and I expected some people to like stop talking to me or whatever, but not really you...

CC: Well I didn't want to stop talking to you. You just kinda stopped talking to me...

Me: I felt like it was better to not talk to you. Especially in the hallway that day, when i was walking with you and JB and she was asking me about it, and I told her she'd look at me differently and you said, "Yeah, you will." It hurts, it really does.

CC: I didn't mean it like that. I just mean its kinda a big deal. I still want to be friends and everything. I just feel like you've been avoiding me kinda.

Me: I didn't mean to be avoiding you. Its just that you were one of my best friends and one of my only "real" friends. And I could always tell you everything, and I thought that you of all people would respect it and not judge. I know that I acted like I didn't care about it, and thats probably why you reacted how you did, but I didn't realize at the time how wrong it was. I'm only recently realizing how much I hate the fact that I did it, and how it changed me. And I have "lost" many friends because of this, but most of them don't matter to me and its not a surprise that I don't talk to them anymore, but you're different.

CC: Well I think we should just go back to how we used to be because it kinda sucks not talking to you.

I'm scared of the end,

terrified of losing him.

Because I've come down to three friends.

I've decided today, that MP isn't

the kind of person I need to be around.

That leaves RM, TM, and MM.

And unfortunately, I can't keep RM around for long.

I'm scared.

Its going to be awful.

This is the best relationship I've had.

I need to stop being scared of the future,

and just enjoy how it is right now.

"People cry.

Not because they're weak.

Its because they've been

 strong for too long."

I talked to TM for a while earlier.

We had a deep conversaton, kind of.

I told him everything that bothered me,

and we talked about how I changed.

I started bawling last night, for at least an hour.

I've never cried as hard as I was.

I was gripping my sheets,

my stomach started to cramp,

my throat started to hurt.

I just wanted to scream.

It was the worst thing ever.

BS and JH are over.

Its really depressing.

I hate to see her so broken.

My sister and her boyfriend of almost two years

also are on a break.

Last night, I considered telling my sister about

what I've done.

She knows about the weed,

but thats it.

I don't know if I should tell her anything else.

I think I'll wait, and if the time is right,

I'll tell her.

One day.

I was a killer, I was the best they'd ever seen.

Crappy weekend.
School tomorrow.
Uggggghhhhhhhhhhh.

I'm really liking John Mayer, and also Vampire Weekend.



I have nothing to write about...
Just that I'm searching for peace.
I don't know how to make myself happy anymore.
I think I'll read tonight.
I'll eat dinner,
shower,
and then read
for the rest of the night.
Then maybe I'll find peace.

dust bunnies and an empty mind.

I'm waiting, just waiting...

For something good.
Something perfect.

Words can't explain how I feel anymore.

Dear TE:

MY NEIGHBOR TOTORO. This made my day. imissbeingakid.

So, whatever.



Wow, I have so much to talk about today.

Lets start with school yesterday.

It was the last Friday of eighth grade,

of middle school.

We didn't do much. We had a cookout,

and we also got our yearbooks.

LO signed her name.

RM's letter thing was nice. <3

So was TM.

TE said pretty much implied that he misses being friends.

We had a guest speaker for science,

the whole team met up to listen.

RM sat next to me, but he was teasingly mad at me,

and stood up at the end of our table.

LO got up and stood by him, and didn't sit down until he did.

Shocker.

She said she was "getting a better view". Uhhuhhh.

Then at the cookout, she claimed that Ass Like That was her theme song.

To RM.

Back off, bitch.

Me, LO, and NP were the only Gb girls at the party.

RM, CN, TB, TE, CP, and JF were the only Gb boys.

The rest were Rs.

They have cute boys....

Anyways when TE first saw me, he was shocked.

I knew it'd be awkward.

He went, "Ohhh!" And pointed at me, smiling.

I did the same, grinning back.

Before LO and NP got there, I was talking to RM about LO.

He knew I didn't like her. I explained that I think

she still likes him.

And so they flirted once she got there.

I tried to not care, but I was incredibly jealous.

He said CW was his best best friend,

but that LO was his best friend.

Ugh. What am I..? Just the girl he can "get some ass" from.

My mind keeps rushing back to the day he asked me out.

I was on the phone with MP and she told me that

CN had told her that RM told him that he was only dating me

to "get some ass". Ughh. I want to mention it to him,

because its terrifying me. I'm just scared of his response...

A lot of people were dancing (grinding).

RM wanted to dance with me, and he kept trying.

If it was anybody else, I would have.

It was just weird, the way he danced. Hes so tall,

I knew I wouldn't be any good.

So I just kept saying I didn't want to.

He didn't want to do what I wanted to do (kiss),

so I wasn't giong to do what he wanted.

I met CC. I think hes really cute.

He kept putting his arm around my waist,

and kept trying to dance with me.

I really wanted to, but I knew it'd be a bitchy move.

When RM went to the bathroom, I just looked at him and smiled.

He asked if I wanted to dance,

and I stopped for a second and then I just said no.

He said he could tell I really wanted to,

and so I laughed and said he was right.

He took my out to where everyone was dancing,

but I turned away. I couldn't dance with him.

I'd feel like such a bitch.

It was incredibly tempting, though.

LO was cussing all night.

And just not acting like herself.

She's become a whore.

She was trying to tell me how to dance.

I wanted to look at her and just say,

"After you teach my how to dance,

I could teach you how to **** a **"

But I caught myself.

When we were outside waiting for our ride,

RM was talking to a few girls (and guys).

JF and CF were being jerks about it to me.

I just kept saying I didn't care.

I honestly didn't think he was "hitting on them" or whatever.

CF looked at me and mocked me and said, "Oh, I don't care

because all I want to do is make out with him."

I wanted to cry and slap him in the face all at once.

I'm so sick of him.

On Facebook earlier, I had this short conversation with TE:

"What did you and RM do?"
"Last night?"

"Yeah."

"We made out. Thats it."

"Whatever."
"Okay?"

I miss being friends with him.

I don't know what happened.

I was supposed to Skype RM and CN last night,

but he didn't say anything about it.

Probably on xbox with LO.

Gosh... :/

We only have four more days left of school.

I told Tate. He knows now.

Its so strange.

maybe, just maybe..



I had a good day.

Nothing special happened,

but nothing bad happened either.

And with the way things have been,

That makes today a good day.

I'm hoping this is a sign.

A sign that things are going to slowly start getting better.

I'm beyond excited about summer.

I know its going to be great.

I won't have to worry about everyone,

or what they think.
I can just lean back and enjoy myself.

Its Wednesday.
Next Thursday is the last day of school.

That means only six more days,

and one weekend.

I'm thrilled.

I'm looking forward to going to Disney World.

It will be me and my parents and my sister.

It will be great.

Church and Mi Rancho tonight.

I hope I get a chance to talk to TM again.

We talked last week, but it didn't change anything.

I texted him last night.

I told him I missed him. I said I missed Skyping

with him, I missed arguing with him,

and tons of other things.

I meant it,

but I don't think he realizes how important to me he is, or was.

I don't even know anymore.

Anyways, I tried sitting with them at lunch,

but changed my mind. Its pointless.

They don't talk to me.

They used to want me there.

He started saying that my text "meant nothing".

He doesn't understand me any more.

ihatethat.

We'll never be as close as we used to be.

You never know what you have until its gone,

or, of course, unless its the only thing you have left.

(MM)

bully

I am a bully.
I always make fun of others.
I always tease others.
I always call people names.
And hear I am, upset about being bullied...
When in truth, I'm just one of the contributors to this horror of bullying.



I long to be the girl everyone wants to be around.
I long to be ladylike, and proper.
I long to lose my "slutty" or "annoying" or "whore-ish" ways.
I long to be perfect.


I want to change.
I'm not happy with who I am.

Oh I Wonder.

I wonder if, a year from now, when I look back and read all of these, I wonder if I will remember the deep story behind each blog. The meaning behind it. The reason for that feeling I had at the time.

I wonder if I'll WANT to remember this Hell that I'm going through.

I feel like there is only one person that makes me feel happy, truly happy.

His hugs, his smile, his laugh. The feeling of his soft curly hair brushing against my face. The comfort I get when his arms are around me. I could hug him forever. I feel secure, I feel safe. I feel like nothing else matters.

I love that he always knows what to say and when to say it. I love that he knows when I'm uncomfortable with something. I love that he notices when something is bothering me. I love that he doesn't judge me.

I don't want to lose him.

I think I have a new best friend. MM. I can tell him anything, and he just sits, just listens. Its great.

I hate that I get jealous so easily. I just don't understand how people's minds work. Does she honestly think its okay to flirt with my boyfriend? She had the chance to date him, she turned him down.

I can't wait for summer. I'm constantly imagining all the days. Days spent RM, days spent swimming with MM, days spent tanning and gossiping with MP. Tons of different things. I can't wait. No more dealing with rumors.

Theres a party Friday.

I guess I'll go.

I feel lost sometimes. Like I'm getting pulled deeper and deeper into a forrest of unfamiliar people...

I was thinking today, and the thought of going into depression popped into my head... I would never admit that to anybody. Maybe MM, but thats it... I'm scared that I'll go into a depression. I'm terrified.

I'm making a promise to myself... to stop talking about people, and to be a nice person. Because I finally understand what its like to be bullied... Such a terrible feeling...

I was bad last Friday.

Do I regret it?
I don't know.

I didn't do anything slutty, in my opinion.

Others might think of it as a little bad, but not the worst that I've done.

I liked being held in his arms.

I spent my first night with a boy. <3

be careful.

Of all the things I have learned,

one thing really sticks out.

I have to be careful who I get close to.

If they've hurt me before, they will hurt me again.

No matter what kind of "commitment" we have.

Theres no such thing as a commitment to people like that.

Struggle is the Enemy.

I'm scared.

That I'll never get another innocent, young love.

I'm terrified,

of the fact that I only have a few real friends left.

RM, MM, BS, MP.

I mean sure, theres other people that know everything,

and that haven't judged me.

But only four people that I'm really close to.

RM

We had a great talk earlier, and I'm so happy.

Me- We only have one weekend left before summer.

You- Yeah? What do you mean?

Me- This year went by fast.

You- Yeah...

Me- I'm scared.

You- What for?

Me- You seem like you hate all your ex-girlfriends. You are a jerk to all of them.

You- They all turned out to be bitches..

Me- Well every girl is a bitch when they're upset.

You- But you seem different. You are a lot cooler and way more real, if

that makes sense. But thats just the way I am. If someone acts like that

toward me, I'll act the same way back. I'm only a jerk if they're a bitch first.

Me- Oh. I get it.

You- Yeah, that was random. Where did that come from?

Me- Idk haha. BM and DM both don't want to be going out over the summer.

You- Wait, so you want to break up before summer..?

Me- Noooo. I was scared you wanted to.

You- Well, I don't (:

Me- Okay. (:

You- Is that cool with you?

Me- Yes, of course (:

No matter what happens, I hope you don't tell anyone anything.

Like about Friday.

Ahhh.

You are a lot better than the old secret. Way better.

MM

You are truly my best friend.

I love you like a brother, I really do.

I'm so glad I have you.

You are unlike anyone I know.

No matter how mad you get at someone,

you continue respecting them.

You always know the right thing to say,

its insane.

I'm so happy we are so close.

BS

I'm so happy we decided to tell each other our secrets.

I feel like we've started a new friendship.

Anyways,

I'm glad I have you to talk to, when it seems like noone else understands.

I know you will always understand.

MP

Best friends. <3

GB has been a big help, but I don't feel like we are that close. I can't tell her

a lot of things that I can tell others, who have actually done it.

I can't tell her that I didn't regret it for a long time.

And some other stuff, that I'm too afraid to admit to myself.

Ugh.

DM is great too, I'm glad I can talk to her.

I can believe she did the nasty though... Two nights ago.

Ahh.

Anyways, I can trust her with everything,

its just that we aren't that good of friends.

We get bored with each other.

idon'tknow.

I want to fall into a deep sleep,

and wake up in 3-4 months, when its time for school again.

Hopefully, by then, it will all be over. </3

I'm broken.