"When I saw you, I was afraid to meet you. When I met you, I was afraid to like you. When I liked you, I was afraid to kiss you. When I kissed you, I was afraid to love you. Now that I love you, I'm scared I'll lose you."
I love RM. I really do.
But I'm beginning to think I'm in love with MM.
I don't know what it feels like to be in love,
But I know that the reason I ended things with him was because I didn't want to hurt him.
I've never cared about anyone so much.
I was up bawling from 1 AM to 3 AM last night.
Me: Hey. So I've been thinking for like the past hour, and I can't let anything happen between us. I'm really sorry. It evventually wouldn't work out (nothing ever does), and I can't risk losing you as a friend. I'm not over RM, at all. I thought I was and I tried to tell myself I was because honestly, I know I'm better off with you. I've been kind of unsure about it since when you told me how you felt, and I'm incredibly sorry if I led you on. I do like you though, don't get me wrong, but ever since all that stuff happened, I've just been really fucked up. I've been wanting all the wrong things, if that makes sense. This all probably sounds so cheesy because I'm half aslepe, but I do mean all of it. I really hope more than anything that this doesn't change how close we are, because I really do love you, and I still think and always will think that you are the most amazing person I've ever met. Theres always going to be a part of me that likes you (there always has been) but like I said, I'm really fucked up. I just don't feel like the same person I used to be. I'm confused about eeverything. I don't want anything to happen between us because I do not want to hurt you. I love you.
MM: I'm always here to help, but of course, you already know that (:
Me: Yeah. I know (:
MM: Can't sleep. Wanna talk about it?
Me: Sure, but I don't have much to say, so you go.
MM: Yeah obviously.. (: That was a really long message.
Me: (:
MM: Okay. I wanna start with the stuff. When you first told me, I was crushed. I was so crushed because you're like my little sister (even though you're older) and I would do anything to protect you and the thought of him hurting you would get me so angry and so upset to the point where I just built up this huge and deep resentment toward him.
Me: I understand that... But I don't blame it all on him. We both agreed before anything happened that he wouldn't pressure me to do anything... And he didn't. It was completely and totally up to me. It was my mistake, and I take full responsibility for it.
MM: I know, but all the stuff after is his fault.
Me: Yeah, but if it wasn't for everything after, I wouldn't have learned from it. I'd probably still be doing it with someone else. Don't get me wrong though, I hate him for it.
MM: When you started dating RM, I felt better because I knew he was a nice guy, and that you found someone you actually like. And if you have feelings for him still you should definitely go for him(: And if you don't want anything to happen between us thats totally fine. And in all honesty, you're not the only girl I have strong feelings for.
Me: I'm not going after him, he doesn't like me. And really?
MM: Really. In fact, she was the one that convinced me to tell you how I feel.
Me: Oh dang. Haha. Who?
MM: BS. I've spent the last few days thinking. Her and I are sooo much alike in every single way imaginable, and after I told you how I felt, she told me how she felt. And I absolutely felt awful. Because she was the one who told me to tell you how i felt.
Me: Aww(: You and her are cute(:
MM: Thanks(: Hey I'm sick right now and I need to get somme sleep. We'll hang out soon (:
Me: Okay, goodnight (:
Me: I know you need to sleep but now I can't. I just have one thing left to say. I am terrified of losing you, or not being as close to you anymore. Lately we've already been drifting..
MM: I can tell. I would rather have you close to me than sleep. So lets talk more.
Me; I'm not happy with my life anymore, or anything about it. I feel like I used to be constantly happy, but now its just fake or for the wrong reasons. I'm bawling my eyes out right now, I feel like i'm constantly getting something else to be upset about. i'm begining to hate my life, and I know I've said that before but I haven't ever meant it like this.
MM: You shouldn't hate your life, everything happens for a reason, and it may not seem like it now but it will get better. I'm feeling the same way, I sometimes cry myself to sleep at night. But its healthy, it lets you drain all those bottled emotions so they don't become repressed memories, and those are bad. I know first hand.
Then he started sending me FMLs, saying those help.
They didn't.
I feel like throwing up, maybe that will make me feel better.
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