I really f*cked it up this time, didn't I, my dear?

Me: We never talk.

CC: Forreal.):

Me: I hate this. Like, I understand I've changed (and I hate that too), and I expected some people to like stop talking to me or whatever, but not really you...

CC: Well I didn't want to stop talking to you. You just kinda stopped talking to me...

Me: I felt like it was better to not talk to you. Especially in the hallway that day, when i was walking with you and JB and she was asking me about it, and I told her she'd look at me differently and you said, "Yeah, you will." It hurts, it really does.

CC: I didn't mean it like that. I just mean its kinda a big deal. I still want to be friends and everything. I just feel like you've been avoiding me kinda.

Me: I didn't mean to be avoiding you. Its just that you were one of my best friends and one of my only "real" friends. And I could always tell you everything, and I thought that you of all people would respect it and not judge. I know that I acted like I didn't care about it, and thats probably why you reacted how you did, but I didn't realize at the time how wrong it was. I'm only recently realizing how much I hate the fact that I did it, and how it changed me. And I have "lost" many friends because of this, but most of them don't matter to me and its not a surprise that I don't talk to them anymore, but you're different.

CC: Well I think we should just go back to how we used to be because it kinda sucks not talking to you.

I'm scared of the end,

terrified of losing him.

Because I've come down to three friends.

I've decided today, that MP isn't

the kind of person I need to be around.

That leaves RM, TM, and MM.

And unfortunately, I can't keep RM around for long.

I'm scared.

Its going to be awful.

This is the best relationship I've had.

I need to stop being scared of the future,

and just enjoy how it is right now.

"People cry.

Not because they're weak.

Its because they've been

 strong for too long."

I talked to TM for a while earlier.

We had a deep conversaton, kind of.

I told him everything that bothered me,

and we talked about how I changed.

I started bawling last night, for at least an hour.

I've never cried as hard as I was.

I was gripping my sheets,

my stomach started to cramp,

my throat started to hurt.

I just wanted to scream.

It was the worst thing ever.

BS and JH are over.

Its really depressing.

I hate to see her so broken.

My sister and her boyfriend of almost two years

also are on a break.

Last night, I considered telling my sister about

what I've done.

She knows about the weed,

but thats it.

I don't know if I should tell her anything else.

I think I'll wait, and if the time is right,

I'll tell her.

One day.